(THE FOLLOWING TALE IS TOLD FROM THE PERSPECTIVES OF PRIYE AND EKAETTE AKA "EKKY")
"Praise the lord!" Went the pastor.
"Hallelujah!" The congregation responded.
I was tired of standing. My knees hurt and my new shoes were killing me. I stylishly stared at one of four clocks inside the large hall.
Two more services to go.
How was I going to cope?My eyes hurt, my head hurt and I realized that boiled eggs and beans was a bad idea for breakfast.
"Bless you, sister." I smiled to a girl going by.
Now there's a face i haven't seen in awhile. I thought. Not like we were friends or anything. She was just one of those faces you see in church now and then. She wore ugly shoes and her make up was always off.
But that morning, she looked really nice.
SARAH! Yes, that was her name.
I was still staring at her clothes and lovely shoes when I spotted him.
He was tall, very handsome and clearly worked out alot---if the arms under that shirt were anything to go by.
And don't get me started on his cologne. When he walked by, I more or less swooned at the scent.
Works out, tall, handsome and fashionable.
I did I quick sniff of my armpits(deodorants can't always be trusted) , then I casually "chested-out."
In case you don't know what that means, ask any busty girl in Nigeria she'll tell you.
Anyway, I wore my finest 'Welcome-to -service.' smile and made my way to hopefully my future husband.
"Babe?" Sarah called out.
Now , two things made me stop:
1. On Sarah's left hand, on a particular finger sat something shiny.
2. She said "babe" which the gorgeous hunk of a man responded to.
I held back a gasp.
The guy returned her smile."Sorry babe." He said.
Then he took her hand and followed her.
And guess what? He was wearing a ring too!
Sarah? Miss ugly shoes? Is now a Mrs?
I HAVE SUFFER!
They walked off into the crowd to take their seats.
I was in shock.
And can you imagine? She had the guts to flash her ring at me.
WHO SHE EPP?
I must've stared at the back of his head for more ten minutes.
Which kine life?
She hardly comes to church, and yet she's hitched.
Meanwhile, I've attended enough crusades to qualify for Pastoral work.
"PLEASE, TAKE YOUR SEATS." the pastor said to mark the beginning of fifth service.
"Sorry, I'm late." Came a familiar voice.
Composure composure. I thought to myself and turned around.
"You're late." I said in my beast Usher voice.
"Hian!" Went Ekaette. "Isn't it beginning of the service?"
I handed her a flyer. "Fifth service."
"Na wa o!" She said with a shrug. "So I should follow you and do ushering work? I thought you said..."
Her eyes followed a male Usher down the aisle.
His name was Onome. Had to give it to her, he was cute. But a complete asshole.
I grabbed her by the arm.
"Aah! " She cried. "You want to break my arm?"
"You've started o!" I said.
"I was only looking." She protested. "You didn't say anything about looking."
"It's looking that got you into the last nine flings you called relationships."
"They were relationships!" She said as she sat down. "And they were eight, the last one was just a blow job---"
About five shocked faces spun around.
"Bless you!" Was all I could manage with an awkward smile.
They gave me the Up-and-down look Nigerians are famous for, then turned away.
Still gritting my teeth. "Ekky, we're in church."
"You're the one..." She realized her tone was high.
"...you're the one who brought it up. You promised you wouldn't---"
"Okay, I'm sorry." I said before she really got into it.
"TODAY'S BIBLE READING," the Pastor announced. " IS TAKING FROM..."
The service went on with the inspirational teachings punctuated by scriptures and the occasional "TURN TO YOUR NEIGHBOUR AND SAY..."
I don't like it when that happens. Some people have bad body odour and even worse bad breath---especially fellow ushers in my church.
This one girl, Nkem smelled like a bad fart when she yawned. And please, I don't want to talk about her armpits.
Is deodorant expensive?
Anyway, the service went on, and I still couldn't keep my eyes off Sarah's man.
How the hell did she catch a guy that fine?
I mean, haven't I been trying?
Abi I no fine?
"THAT THING YOU'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR," the pastor was saying. "YOU WILL RECIEVE IT TODAY IN THE NAME OF JESUS!"
I quickly composed myself when I realized my Amen was the loudest.
Now, I REALLY wanted the clock to tick faster so I could leave.
I felt miserable, ugly and stupid.
Then just like that, HE showed up.
Face forward! I told myself during the sermon.
But it was very very... very hard. There were just too many fine guys in the church.
How could I hear the word of God surrounded by all this...hotness?
There were just too many of them. All I had in my head were sweaty visions of NACKIN.
Imagine that! In church?
I bit into my lower lip till it hurt.
Is too much fine boys that got me into this mess
Look, if I NACKED any guy, I dated him.
I didn't sleep around.
I'm not a slut, I just like fine guys and fine guys tend to break my heart.
I was getting dizzy.
How did Priye cope?
I really wished I had her self control. She's so disciplined.
If to say na me eh? I for Don NACK half de church by now!
Highest dem go pursue me!
I sat there trying to listen to the service. I was a little worried about my stomach. I know I had put on some weight. The dress used to be free, but I could barely breath inside it.
But I had no choice. I wasn't busty like priye. All I had was my...ASS-et. I the dress brought it out.
I hoped Priye was right, that I could meet some really nice guys.
Just like that, I saw HIM.
It was testimony time. He climbed the podium like a crowned prince. Sarah's husband was fine, but this dude was a god. He looked photoshopped like a perfect Instagram pic.
I was breathless.
I could barely think or hear his testimony save for the bits that included words like;
"My first time here...my million dollar company...a brand new private jet...and...I'm still single..."
His 'PRAISE THE LORD!' received a 'HALLELUJAH' comprising of mostly female voices.
I noticed half of the choir girls practically eye-rape him as he came down the pulpit.
This one was mine!
To hell with Sarah and her mumu husband. I was going to have him. I was done playing nice. I would claw out the eyes of any one to get this guy.
Since wey dem born me, I never see guy wey fine like DAT.
Control yourself o!. Before you know you'll be hanging leg for him
I refused to look at him. Even with the AC on, the sight of him was doing me fever.
Which line life? ****
"Did you enjoy the service?" I asked Ekky after we had said Grace.
"Uh...it was nice." Ekky seemed a little distracted.
"What..." I asked following her eyes. "Did you see someone you knew?"
"...no oh! I...abeg where's the toilet. I'm pressed."
What was she up to? I wondered. I hoped she wasn't up to her slutty habits. I remember this one time, I caught her in the male rest room with some guy.
"It was love at first sight!" Ekky had said in her defense.
"Oya," I said. "I'll meet you outside. "Still have one more service to go."
Weaving through the crowd, I made my way towards HIM. There was a small pack of "Church-sisters" around HIM.
Evangelical Ashawos. Dem no go leave am for me!
"Bless you, brother!" I said interrupting one of the hyenas.
When he turned to look at me, I nearly lost my footing.
He was gorgeous!
"Uh...I'm here...here to welcome you---"
"I'm in the process of welcoming him." Said one of the baboons.
I forced a smile. I knew her by name, face and reputation. Her name was Korede. She was probably the oldest usher in the church.
There are those who think she's fine. I think she should go easy on the bleaching cream and quit hairdos that look like the ass of a Peacock.
"Bless you sister." I said. "Pastor Ken sent me to speak with him.
No one argues with Pastor Ken. The dude's the equivalent of a church bull dog.
I once heard him shout down a junior pastor just for saying "I'm not feeling well."
"You are stupid!" Pastor Ken spat at him. "Are you not a servant of God? How dare you say you are sick?"
This exchange had taken place during a service. And the fact that Pastor Ken's voice didn't need a microphone to boom across the hall didn't help either.
On top of that, he had a knack for 'Bringing-Out-People's-Leg' in public. For those unfamiliar with this expression, it means...highlighting your flaws in a very public way.
Case in point, he once screamed at me. "YOU THIS OLD WOMAN, YOU WONT GO AND MARRY! JUST SHAKING SMALL YANSH UP AND DOWN. GOD IS WATCHING YOU!"
This happened outside the church. Out of the thirty or forty witnesses there, at least twenty-eight were single marry-able guys.
And what had I done to deserve this?
I had simply walked past the man of God and said "Good morning sir."
"But...but there are other first timers here. Why is this one so---"
"Do you want to take this up with pastor Ken?" I said.
Christ! She was desperate.
Have some dignity, girl!
Then again, who no like better tin?
The dude was handsome, single and rich. Now the last part was evident not just from his testimony, but from his clothes, watch, shoes, cologne and the four muscular men men in suits and dark glasses standing next to him.
This was pure husband material. The kind women stabbed and did jazz for.
Sister Korede stood there staring at me. There was no way of telling if I was lying, except going to ask Pastor Ken for verification.
Which was tantamount to facing a firing squad.
She was either going to take my word for it and leave, or take her chances with the bull dog.
"Mtscheeeew!" She went as she turned to leave. The rest of her cronies followed.
Like flies on shit* I thought as they went. Old woman wey no wan respect herself.*
"You'll have to Follow me, please." I said turning away before he could protest. Of course that was a lie.
A 'welcoming' didn't require a sit down. But if I was going to have any chance with this guy, I needed us alone.
The old children's section would be perfect.
"I...uh." I heard him say. And yes. He had a nice voice too. "I really...have to be on my way I ---"
"This won't take long." I said loosening a button on my top.
This was my time.
I flashed my best smile as we made our way through through the sea of 'Beefers.'
His security detail waited outside, while we sat down in the children's section.
I had to move quickly. The last service was about to begin.
My goal was to;
1. To get his name.(for at least Facebook purposes)
2. To get his number.
I must marry this year O! By force by fire.
....to be continued.
LIFE IS A CHOICE,
SO CHOOSE WISELY.