Saturday, 28 February 2015





BOMA* Hello??? ....hello??


BOMA* Hello?......can you hear me?

MAN* .....(clears throat) Yes....hello?...I can hear you!!!!

BOMA*I received an sms from this number,saying something about a job....

MAN* (static).....yes? we want you to come for the Interview

BOMA*Interview........?......what's the name of your company sir?

MAN*..........The Nigerian Oil Company.......

BOMA* ....Hello?...please can you repeat that....?

MAN*.............The Nigerian Oil Company .....We do everything Oil and gas.....our head office is in London

Friday, 27 February 2015


"Do you ADA......." the Reverend was saying as the Bride and Groom stared lovingly into each other's eyes.I had to admit, they looked good together.
George(the groom) looked quite dashing in his black suit.Ada's mermaid wedding dress was sexy as hell.Both of them seemed to be glowing with "the radiance of love"...if you want to call it that.
The church was packed full.The were so many  celebrities and 'high-rollers' scattered about the church.And I think the guy seated next to me was a celebrity or something.People kept  on coming up to him and going;
"I'm your biggest fan....I love your show....bla bla bla" It was a little annoying especially since the ceremony itself had begun.

And on top of that, Mr Celebrity  kept on staring down my bust-line as if 'my boobs' were an exciting new fashion trend he'd just discovered.
I threw a casual glance in his direction.Dude was sooo not my type.Besides I think he had bad breath.....either that or he farted each time  he opened his mouth.

Thursday, 26 February 2015



NO 12  Osaigbon Close Benin



The Residence is a One Bedroom Flat.

Living Room  and Kitchen are intact 
.........Save for  the Blood stains by the Kitchen sink

Door to the Master's bedroom is severely damaged.Wooden splinters litter the floor.It appears to have been  SAVAGELY SMASHED inwards, possibly from numerous blows from a LARGE  BLUNT INSTRUMENT
The nature of the weapon used in the attack is yet to be determined.But a safe assumption would be  something Metallic.......probably.

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

UNREPENTANT MISTRESS PT 6. ........Amaka is pregnant!!!!!

Amaka steps out of the Large office  Complex and strolls towards her GOLD Range Rover.She has a weird expression on her face .

Several men(and a few women) follow her with their eyes as she goes by.The slutty AMAKA moves with all the  'Ease' of the Grand Mistress she is.She seems  excited about something as she steps into the car.
For a few seconds she just sits there, allowing the Air conditioner's chill to fill the car.


Then she turns to us and says;

"I recently learnt that I am six weeks pregnant.Now I know what you're thinking;'How can the great  Mistress let that happen?'

What? You've never made a mistake before??? My dear, even the great gods of Olympus made mistakes.So a Grand Mistress such as myself is no exception to the rule.

The next question is obvious,....'Who's the Father?'

Well here's what happened.

One of my clients is CEO of a TELECOMS Giant In Nigeria.His name is Alfred, and he resides in Port Harcourt. This dude has pockets deeper than the ATLANTIC, he has cars and  houses in almost every major city in the world.

You know one of those TEE-SHIRTS with the funny inscriptions that goes; "MY MONEY' IS LIKE GRASS,IT GROWS EVERYWHERE?" Well that's what his money is like.

Guy bought me my first Range Rover just because he stood me up on our first date.
In this business, 'JUJU' comes with the job description.No self respecting Runs-chick comes into this business with 'empty-hand'.
It's like running a marathon in high-heels, just wont work.

Monday, 23 February 2015


 My name is Pastor Davies.
 I have been a Pastor for the past Two years.
I doubt a lot of people will believe the story I am about to tell.To be honest,I still have a hard time believing it myself.
God forgive me,I haven't told anyone for the senior Pastor of my church.

The Memory of that day shall remain with me for the rest of my life.

I wasn't always a Pastor.One time in my life I was a regular guy who loved to party a lot and get drunk.
I indulged in the occasional fling(which at one time in my life became more than just "occasional")

On the 19th of October 2012, I was out as usual combing the streets for some action.
Like most Friday nights, I was already a little tipsy.I'd had about FOUR SHOTS of  Vodka and  smoked Half a Joint of Marijuana. So I was in THE ZONE.

The streets of VI were alive with FRIDAY-NIGHT ACTION.
My mission that night was simple;
Get some more alcohol in your system,........ and GET LAID....!
In that order.

Saturday, 21 February 2015

Ruby unlike a Ruby

I picked up the pieces of the broken tumbler, trying to decipher why i didnt feel angry at Ruby. There are so many things going wrong in my life right now, and Ruby was at the bottom of the list. That to her, is unacceptable, and so she threw tantrums. This morning, she had come spoiling for a fight.

"Joshua  i am here for the money" she had said coming into my room.
"good morning to you too Ruby" i had replied looking up from the book i was reading. Said book is in shreds right now.
"i don't have time for your sarcasm this morning. today is Saturday. The last Saturday of the month, so please give me money for my hair". she had said striking a pose like she expected a fight. I stood up, went to my wardrobe and brought out my last three thousand naira, home and abroad.
"this is all the money i have in this house. here take two thousand let me hold one thousand" i said stretching the money to her.
looking at me with all the contempt she could muster she asked,"What i'm i supposed to do with two thousand? did i tell you i want to go to a  barber's shop?"
I stood up and walked towards her, hands outstretched. pulling her close,i stroked her hair, which still looked good to me by the way. "My love, you know how bad things have been for me since i lost my job. just manage this one for now".
 she pushed me away from her, and eyed me up and down.
"can  you see how you are insulting me? you know the least weavon i can buy is ten thousand naira and that to fix it on is three thousand naira, then you stare at me with two miserable thousand naira?"


I just want to get married. I'm tired of all these Nigerian "MAN-CHELORS" who don't want  to get married?
I mean, when will they grow up and start acting like Men? All they have are excuses(like I don't have enough already)

"I haven't made enough money.......We're still getting to know each other"blah blah blah!!
I'm sick of it!!
Imagine that foolish Abdul.Telling me we should get to know each other better.

On our first date I asked him if he wanted to get married, the idiot stared at me in shock and said;
"Haba!! We've barely known each other for up to 72 hours"
Can you Imagine the rubbish???
How long are you supposed to know someone before you can marry them?

"Dem Dey know Person finish?" Why are Nigerian men such cowards?

A real man should be able to tell when he sees his wife.After all, isn't that how Uncle Abiye  got married? When he met Aunty  Chinyere he said he knew she was the one from day ONE.
He proposed to her almost a week later. That's a real man!!!!

Thursday, 19 February 2015


"He's staring at you"Ade whispered in her ear.
His words chilled her like minute icicles on her skin.

She knew what they meant.It was like the whisper of a phantom in her ear.In an instant she was panic stricken.She felt tremors down her spine as she turned to look.

The man who was staring at her was gorgeous to behold.
He was tall,lean muscled with the dark intense eyes of a seducer.He didn't just stare,he devoured her with his eyes.In his gaze was a demonic-hunger she knew meant only one thing.

She tore her eyes away from this Dark-angel and stared at Ade.
"Please,"she pleaded with him.But Ade's mind seemed already made up.

He grinned an evil grin as he took another drag from his cigarette.

"Please,....its my birthday"she said to her boyfriend as more people entered the bar.
She knew the Dark stranger was still staring at her. In fact,she'd known from when they'd entered the small bar in V.I.
Most Lagos-players would stare at a pretty Girl for briefly(or at least respectfully)especially when they knew you were standing with a guy who was CLEARLY. Your BOYFRIEND.

But not this Dark stranger.
Hell No!
He stared with enough audacity to make you uncomfortable.

She'd hoped he'd get bored and stop staring at some point.....he didn't.

And now she was in trouble BIG Trouble.
The kind of trouble she didn't need on her birthday.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015


I  know this is true love.
I first saw her on FACEBOOK two weeks ago.
She was beautiful like no woman I'd ever seen before.

Everything about her was beautiful....I just knew she was my soul mate.
I know what you're thinking; "This guy sounds crazy" But you would be wrong.I'm not crazy.

I started combing through her pictures on Face Book.I got aroused every time I looked at them.
I saved ALL of them on my Hard drive so I could go through them whenever I felt like it.

Her name is Elizabeth and I WILL HAVE HER.

I sent her a Friend-request and she ignored it. For days I watched her status updates.I was furious.
How could she ignore me?Didn't she know we were meant to be?

Tuesday, 17 February 2015


AMAKA lies on her stomach as the Masseuse works on her shoulders.
She likes coming to this Spa....twice a month.

She moans as the hands of the Masseuse Caresses  her skin........She finally looks up at us......

"...And how did  I spend my Val?
C'mon!!!!  I bet you're just DYING TO KNOW!!
She grins an evil grin.

Be honest, I promise not to laugh.But How many  of you got stood up on Val?........OOH! how many of you got the, “I don’t celebrate valentine ” excuse? Or my personal favorite“don’t you think you 're too old for Val” speech?

 I can't help but laugh(in French and Swahili). That is what you get when you lose your market value.  ”See finish”  sets in. The jerk gives you all those sermons.

Guess who got a brand new SUV from Amaka’s husband. Did I  mention that she didn't get anything for her birthday?  I got a 24 carat gold bracelet from her husband. Do you have any idea how much is in my account right now?

I know beggars can't be choosers, but c’mon.  why would you choose to become a beggar in the first place? Is the title “wife” actually worth it? Raymond is a classic example. He doesn't hide it from his wife that he is cheating. She knows. She also  calls  begging him to come home at every point in time.”The children miss you” blah,blah!!!!. Mtcheew. Rubbish!!!


She woke up with a lurch. It was dark, pitch black. Her head ached and there was a buzz in her ears. She tried to sit up, and banged her head against something really hard, right in front of her face. Her head ached even harder. Using her hands, she felt around her and concluded that she was in a wodden box of some sort.  She felt for the pockets on her shorts , that was when she realized that she was naked. She struggled to breathe, it was so hot in the coffin. “NO, not coffin,box”  she couldn’t bear to think that she  had been buried alive.

She was weak… Then she remembered Manny. The last thing she remembered was walking manny at the park. Manny is her aunt’s lhasa dog. She remembered being grabbed from behind, and a foul tasting cloth stuck inside her mouth. That was all she remembered. She needed to get out of here. She raised her knee, and hit the lid of the box, again ad again until her knee bled.
She could feel it giving way, after about fifteen minutes of trying. The wood was obviously rotting. She hit harder until she created a hole. No sand pouring in, was a good sign. She wasn’t under the ground….YET.                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Thirty minutes later, she had pulled her way out of the rotting box, and found herself in the middle of nowhere. She slowly got to her feet, and all her joints cried out in pain. She had scraped her knees so badly, and she could feel the stickiness of blood beginning to clot on her knees and elbows.                                                  
   She needed to get as far away as she could, before her abductors returned. It was very dark, and a repulsive stench assaulted her nostrils. She took a step forward, tripped and fell to the ground.  Her hand came in contact with something soft and putrid.... decaying flesh. She shrieked when she realized that it was a rotting corpse she had tripped on. She crawled away and from it, and felt yet another. So she stood up and ran away in no particular direction. She saw a glimmer ahead of her, and she ran towards it, she came out of a cave, and could see the sky. There was hardly any stars and so it was still very dark.


"TAP-TAP-TAP!!!!!went the gate.
CRAP!!!"Judith spat  as she turned down the volume on the Tv, silencing the Characters on NCIS

She listened for more sounds from the gate.Hopefully it would be those annoying neighborhood kids again.She thought.
With any luck,the troublesome monsters would go away and let her watch her NCIS in peace.

This was her best part of the morning,When Ken had left for work and she and her unemployed self could just chill and watch her favorite TV program-me.
It was her perfect morning.
Sitting down stark-naked with her bowl of cereal and watching the GOOD GUYS solve yet another gruesome murder.
The last thing she needed was an interruption.

After listening for a few more seconds, she decided it was probably the kids being troublesome again.
She was about turning up the volume on the Tv when.....

TAP-TAP-TAP came the gate again.This time a louder.
Sighing heavily.There goes my morning!She thought to herself.As she got up from the couch.
There was clearly someone at the gate.

Sunday, 15 February 2015


Chuks and I have been together for over a year.
Things have been great between us.
My only issue with him(which isn't really an issue)is that he can be overly sentimental and romantic at times. It isn't so bad just that it can be a little tiresome.

Anyway, for the past few weeks, I  noticed certain things were a bit "off" about him.

At first it was   just the little stuff, like how he always seemed "distracted".

His mind just always seemed to be somewhere else. I'd practically have to SNAP my fingers in front of his eyes to get his attention,like I did on Tuesday when I asked about our plans for Valentine.

I just assumed it was work related stuff.The truth is, they'd laid  off some people in  his office recently and that had been bothering him for awhile.
But somehow,I kind Of knew this wasn't it.

Then came the weird calls.Now prior to this, Chuks has never had to step out of the room to take a call, EVER! He's just not that sort of guy.I was worried when he started doing that.

Friday, 13 February 2015


If the love of your life proposes to you with a ring that costs about TEN THOUSAND NAIRA,(or less) would you wear it?

Here's a scenario,
John and Jane have been dating for a few years. John is  a successful car dealer.
He takes care of Jane best he can but, he really doesn't see the need for an expensive engagement ring.
It's all about cost for John. He has calculated how much he would spend on wedding rings,venue, drinks, honey moon bla bla bla.

So he doesn't see the need to spend so much on an engagement ring.

John loves and adores Jane...everyone knows.He's never cheated, lied or hit her ever.And the Sex,according to Jane;"...dey scatta my dada"

Anyway, John finally proposes to Jane at her favorite restaurant in Port Harcourt.
This is what happens;

John goes down on one knee and pops out the ring.At first Jane is pleasantly surprised, then she stares at the ring a little more closely.
As a former Gold-Dealer, she knows real gold from a mile away.
What John has in his hand isn't any where closely related to gold or silver.

WELL-POLISHED ZINC would've described it better.


Charms!!! charms!!! charms!!!

Are you tired of asking yourself if you're the only one in his life?
Do you want her to stop looking at other men?

Do want her to always make love to you with her "church-mind?"

Do you want him to buy you that car, Iphone,house or shoes so you can do 'yanga' for your friends this Valentine?

Do you want him to pump in money into your account yakata!yakata?

Are people laughing at you that you don't have a Val this year?

Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/"Maga"for life/Sugar mummy by this weekend?

Do want this valentine to be the best in your life?

Thursday, 12 February 2015


The TWO of them sit in the car in SILENCE!!

UGO'S eyes are fixed on the road.Though he seems in deep thought,as if he were carrying a great burden.

STEPHANIE'S eyes are also fixed on the road but it seems like her mind is contemplating a very violent murder in the not so distant future.


how long should I be understanding,Ugo?

UGO shifts uncomfortably in his seat but says nothing.

(sighs heavily)
I have been understanding for 8months.why?
because my boyfriend doesn't have a job and is broke.

The Bored and tired look on Ugo's face tells us he has
heard this at least a million times before.

(ticking fingers)
I cook for you,
I fuel your car,
(raises voice)
On my birthday,I bought myself a phone

Wednesday, 11 February 2015


Nkem was thinking about browsing through  Konga or Amazon for the perfect Val's gift for Lawrence

She thought of Colognes,but the long line of perfumes in his wardrobe told her not to bother.
Maybe a shirt then, she thought as she brought out another of his  shirts from the laundry bag.

A quick glance at her watch told her it was 1:42pm.
Her lunch break was almost over
Crap!There was no time to get her MOI-MOI.She thought to herself.
She barely had enough time to get back to the office.

"The things I do for love" She said out-loud inside Lawrence's empty bedroom, as she placed the last shirt inside his wardrobe.

"Bae!" he'd said on the phone.
"Please could you swing by the laundry for me on your way to lunch?"

He always sounded sexy each time he spoke to her in his..."office voice"
She couldn't deny she was crazy about him. They'd only been together for 4 months but she knew there was something special about him.


"Jibril! Jibril come back here. You cant run away, i would wait here for you until whenever you decide to surface" Sade sat down on the small stool in front of Jibril's doorpost, her chest heaving with annoyance. She was certain it was Jibril she sighted coming into this compound. No doubt he had escaped through the back yard. It occurred to her that Jibril must have gone to Ahmed's house to hide. " He would come here and meet me. foolish man". People in the compound went about doing their chores as usual. Sade's bags were on the floor at her feet.
      Safia was very tired after her hectic day at the market. She had her last child Mansur tied to her back, while his two elder ones Sameer and Zainab were straggling along in front of her. They had come to her stall in the market after they closed from Makaranta Islamia.

 She was very surprised to see Sade seating in front of their door, but even more surprised to see the huge bags she had with her. She looked around, but Jibril was not in the compound.
"Good evening" she greeted Sade as she went to unlock the door. "hope you have not been waiting too long" she continued. Sade stood up, ignoring her, carried the heaviest of her bags and tried to go into the house, but Safia blocked the entrance. " You have not replied my salutation, are we quarreling?" she asked.  "Look i don't have time for any nonsense, just remove yourself from the door let me pass" she replied. Safia got out of the way and Sade went in.

Monday, 9 February 2015


AMAKA sits behind  the steering Wheel of Her Silver Range Rover.Her eyes are focused on the Bank Premises in Front of her.She grips the Steering wheel TIGHTLY as if to crush the leather with her bare hands.Evidently.....she's p**sed!
In her eye, we see RAW RAGE!!!
Outside the car, the street is a Bee-hive of activity.

Pedestrians, Bank employees and customers roaming about like a disturbed nest of ants.
The ATM machine to her right is over-run with people and the Queue is so long, its just  ridiculous.
More people go by,occasionally glancing in her direction.
AMAKA regards them the way an Angry Rottweiler  would regard a small family of Rodents playing close to its cage.

She takes a deep breath, and then calmly brings out her  Iphone to dial the number again.
Caller ID on her screen simply says "ABUJA-MAGA 8"
There's silence on the other end at first and then  we hear;
"The Number you have dialed, does not exist.Please check the number and dial again"
"F**K!!!!!"AMAKA screams

HOW TO MEK MONI PT3.wit Celestine Egochoppins

Ello Bebs,

I'm back.

I dont have a beb no more.I have breakup Ekaette.

Dat beb can kill a man And I cannot Risk ma life Becuss of luff.
 I cannot marry a Beb who sess more dan me.

Dat girl is Sess-Machine.Can u belief da afta five rounds dat night d Babe is not satisfy?

Sunday, 8 February 2015


Here's the Scenario.


An attractive woman in her early thirties,enters the office and sits across from the LAWYER.
The woman's name is SARAH

The LAWYER in his mid thirties has a blank and slightly unreadable expression
on his face.


(clears throat)
So what's the  problem?

SARAH has a sad and somewhat distant
expression on her face as if she were carrying

I....really don't know where to begin.

Hmmmm! okay.
How can I help you??


I got your address from EBERE
(shifts in sit)
She said you were very helpful ..
and supportive.


The former Mrs Johnson..
.....she said you helped with her divorce case....???

Friday, 6 February 2015

Ripped Apart

Alex ran down the stairs towards his father, shrieking in delight. He ran into his father’s arms, his sister Prudence giggling behind him, rushed into daddy’s arms also. Joshua held his kids tight, inhaling the heady scent of childhood. He had been away for a trip abroad for one week, and had missed them terribly.  He looked up at Tania as she stood at the head of the stairs. Their eyes sent unspoken messages as she unconsciously rubbed her protruding belly. She was the most beautiful woman in his eyes. He was glad to be home.

Tania walked down the aisle of the supermarket slowly, pushing a nearly empty trolley. For some unknown reason, she had been having a feeling of unease and couldn’t concentrate on her shopping. She could feel a sense of foreboding, and was really worried. Her phone rang,



Here's the scenario,

I got to Owerri at about 6:30 that evening.
I knew I was late. Any self-respecting Traditional wedding would be winding down by now. I thought.
 As I approached the venue, I could see a lot of Traditionally Attired people leaving with wine bottles and weird looking souvenirs.
The wedding was over. Alex was going to kill me. I thought to myself.

I had left Port Harcourt about 8HOURS earlier. So why was I late? Well traffic coming into Owerri was just UNBELIVEABLE, like something out of The Book Of Revelations. I was stuck in traffic for at least four hours sandwiched between a large trailer and a very rickety Bus with insane LOUD SPEAKERS.
The ugly-metallic box on wheels  kept on playing; ''JAMMIN'' by Bob Marley- over and OVER AGAIN!!!I must've heard that song at least over Five Hundred times that day. The damn thing was on repeat like some hellish tune. Each time the song played, I thought  of MURDERING the Bus Driver. And if I had, I am fairly certain the other drivers would've helped dispose of the body.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Do men prefer bad girls?

"Men eh?"My female colleague said in disgust!
We were on our lunch break and ideally,I'm one of those people who enjoy their food in silence.
To me,chitchat or "small talk"during a meal,is just wrong.I mean,maybe I don't want To know whose free kick scored the winning goal in yesterdays Match, or who is likely to win the next election while I eat.
Maybe I would enjoy the meal better if you simply LET ME!!!
I knew this was going to be a lengthy chitchat.How did I know??
Well,when a woman begins with an opening like " eh?", you don't need a degree in Astro-physics to know that you're in for looooong Gist.
I silently rolled my eyes and said nothing hoping she'd lose her train of thought and allow me enjoy my Afang soup in peace.
"I mean,what exactly do men want ?"she asked slightly raising her voice.
Oh crap! I thought.In my book any decent plate of Afang-soup requires undivided attention.But that's just me.
I sighed,looked up from my meal and politely asked her;
"okay,...what happened?"
She sighed,still maintaining the expression of disgust.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

UNREPENTANT MISTRESS 3.... Amaka vs Pastor Jerry

I,AMAKA DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME!!!!!Some people think the life I lead is evil! HA!!!(I laugh in French, Swahili and Hausa).
 Gone are the days when I gave a crap!!.  So keep that in mind when you hear what I  have to say today.
I was introduced to a "Man of God" by an associate.

Now, Calling him a "Man of God" would be like calling a Porn Movie "Family Entertainment". His name is Jerry, Senior Pastor/Founder of a BIG Church in Rivers State.

The man has some veeeery dirty fantasies that he played out with me ALLLLL night and every night he called for my "services''

 I had a lot of fun with him He opened my eyes to a whole new
 world of ''Kinky-ness''. I still have the "spank-marks" to prove it!

Monday, 2 February 2015

HOW TO MEK MONI PT3 wit celestine egochoppins

I haff a Beb!!

All dos fek Bebs on dis internet, you haff miss  shance to chop moni.
I am Pride to announce  dat I  haff a Beb, and I don need you no more. You haff mess up ya chance, and miss ya millions, now my Omalicha  haff land to chop ma moni.

Sunday, 1 February 2015


If your lover asks you;
''How many sexual partners have you had??''
Would you answer truthfully??

For some people the answer is as simple as say five or six or less (even then it's not an easy question to answer)the question gets harder to answer especially if the number is higher.
For instance if you've slept with  between fifty to say over two hundred people in your life....In my book that's not "multiple-sex partners"....that's a COMMUNITY!

So if in your case, its a COMMUNITY,do you tell the love of your life the truth(in the spirit of honesty)?


Dabota turned around and Charise was not behind her. her first reaction was anger. "Charise Ala" she yelled in her stern voice. No response. She expected to see her four years old daughter emerge from another aisle. "Charise" she yelled even louder, still no response. she was getting even angrier.  she walked back down the aisle, pushing her loaded cart and checking each row she passed for signs of her daughter.

  Less than three minutes later, she panicked. " please i am looking for my daughter. she's four, wearing a green gown and carrying pink sunglasses" she told everybody she met in her now frantic search. some shop attendants were helping her search. an elderly woman approached her. " calm down, she has to be around here somewhere" she reassured Dabota. "you know how kids that age can wander"

Sister Priye 2

"So...uh." I began. His good looks were over powering. "" "Black." He replied. "Richard Bla...